Carolyn

Carolyn has been sick. I haven’t written about her, but I’ve felt the loss. Both in the writing and in her not being here. We could especially use her level headedness and treatment experience right now. We suspect that several of our clients are using drugs on the unit. For some of us, this has been very deflating as they were personally invested in things being rosy. Carolyn would be able to give us valuable perspective at this point.

I mostly miss seeing her and touching her. There’s something that happens to me when she looks at me with love in her eyes. I can’t explain it, but it feels like all I’ve ever wanted, my whole life.

I feel bad that she has not been able to share my experiences here in a more direct fashion. Even more, I feel bad that she has not had her own experiences here. I so wanted her to have time with some of these strong Khalsa women. I think she may have been inspired by some of them; I think she may have inspired some of them. I know they would have liked her. She would have loved the children, at the orphanage, on the street, at the temple, at the school. I think she could have made a real contribution at the school as well as at the de-addiction program. She would have appreciated her time at the Harimandir Sahib (Golden Temple). She would have been entranced by the rich and varied shopping opportunities. There is so much exotic, beautiful stuff here.

The plan was that she would have left with me in September. We were going to visit Siri Dyal in Beijing for about a week, then spend a few days in Bangkok, playing before arriving in Amritsar for the program. She was then to stay for about 6 weeks working at the program before returning to the states. She’d been clamoring to go to Thailand, hearing wondrous tales from friends (and being called by a past life?); I was long overdue in my promise to visit my son in China. It was going to be a great trip.

Just days before we were to leave, she had a medical test to be sure that a health condition was stable so that she could travel. It was not stable. She had to have an artery cleared that next week. We were in limbo. To go or not to go? Me go and her stay? Neither? Both? We didn’t know what to do. So much preparation and positive expectation was invested in going; yet clearly, her health was more important. It was a very difficult time. We sat in a world of not knowing. The doctor said she was cleared to go, but things didn’t feel right. We decided to simply reverse the trip. I would go now (one week later than planned) and she would join me half way through the program. We would vacation and visit Siri Dyal on the way home. It made sense. The house sitter help (thank you Brandi) was already in place. Brandi could help and support Carolyn as she rested from her procedure. She had her daughter and friends around to help. Instead of going, then returning to work; she would rest, then go travel. It was not ideal. Both of us were nervous, concerned. She had medical procedure; it was successful. It should be OK. We told ourselves. It just meant that she would come later. It would still be a great trip.

Weeks went by. Carolyn rested some, worked some. Her symptoms were better. She was still easily fatigued. We were both grateful that she had not pushed herself to go to India. India can be a very harsh place. For a while, we thought for sure that she would be strong enough to make the trip. She SO wanted to be in India, for the adventure, for the service, for the yantra, for the shopping (;>) {sorry, I couldn’t resist}; she SO wanted to go to Thailand and to China. Well, at some point, after much agonizing on her part, it became clear that she could not come to India for 6 weeks.

Even though she felt much better, it was clearly not wise to push it. What disappointment, for her, for me. We sat with that for a few days. Then the thought we both had got spoken, maybe she could just meet me in Thailand. Even if the working part couldn’t happen, perhaps the playing part could….. That sounded grand! We could even make the stay in Thailand a bit longer, a better vacation, training in Thai massage. Oh man!!! That sounded good!!! Maybe I would even leave India a bit earlier than planned to make more time for Thailand.

Then last Friday came. A call from her doctor came. “Your test and been scheduled and you have an appointment with the doctor.” She thought they had the wrong patient. “You must be mistaken. I am not scheduled for a test. I have no appointment.”

So at this point, she has another angiogram scheduled for next Wednesday. I am prepared to return home that weekend if the test shows that further treatment is necessary. She is scared; I am sad.