Saying Goodbye

Well.., it is a process. People who believe in me, who value me, who love me. I go a little into shock; it's too much to take in fully, openly; hearing their words, appreciations, envy (some), anger (a little), excitement. "What an opportunity!" "Of course you're going." I feel sick at my stomach. My throat is tight. I can't talk. I can't think.

Do they know how scared I am? Do I know how scared I am? What a brave front I put on. How competent, how capable I appear. Living with some huge level of trust in the universe, completely willing to step into the unknown. Foolhardy? Naive? In my Spirit, I do feel protected, guided, cared for. In my body, my own excitement is beginning to bubble through the pressurized sense of getting ready. Another chapter in my life. Another grand adventure. Ahhh, Bliss and Joy can't be far behind... :>)

Leaving is still three weeks away. Am I making too big a deal about this? Four months will pass in a very short time. Still, I want to let in the love, the appreciation; I want to feel the connection..., and the loss. True, I will carry many with me, in my heart; as a felt sense in my body; as words that offer support. But there are no guarantees with goodbye. Some I may not see again. Family, friends, clients, students. Some may move on, some may pass on, There are no guarantees in goodbye. I want to feel the loss as much a I want to feel the connection, the open sharing, connection.

These thoughts and feelings come up after attending a last therapy group (before I leave) I co-lead. They apply to the group members, and Ellie, my co-leader (the real leader), but I also think of my parents who I wasn't able to visit before leaving; friends and family I don't have time for (It sounds cold, mean even, it's the truth; it makes me sad.); my own clients and students for whom I have such love and affection and good wishes; parts of myself I am leaving behind; my life I am leaving behind. Things will be different when I get back. I don't know how, but they will be different.... I will be different..... Breathe..... Breathe..... Breathe...