A dream of what's coming

No really, a real dream. I just wish I had written it down as soon as I had it. I did tell it to several people; so, I think I remember it pretty well. It was one of those dreams that makes an impression, feels significant.

I am in a simple wooden house on what looks like a prairie. (I never saw that TV show.) There is a large picture window looking out on a vast plain. Carolyn (my wife) is there, very much in the foreground; our kids are also present, but more in the background. The dogs are there. It feels like a normal family scene.

Then, in the far distance a rather large, ominous, black cloud begins to form. It is a VERY large black cloud and it is moving toward us VERY fast. There is some alarm in the room, "Oh my God!, What's that! Oh No look what's coming. The cloud quickly grows larger as it approaches us. It's shape is rather unusual. At first it looks a bit like a cross, with extensions projecting out from the sides.

I, feeling quite calm, say, "Don't worry, it's just going to rain on us a bit. It's moving so fast, it will pass over us quickly. We may get a little wet, but we will be fine." I'm calm, rational, unafraid, but that changes quickly.

As this now huge, VERY black cloud gets above the house, its shape becomes clear. It is not a cloud but a huge bear. probably 2o feet tall. It is a beautiful black BEAR. As its shape fills the window, I notice something begining to emerge from its pouch. (You know, like a kangaroo has a pouch. This is a dream, remember.) It is rather like it is birthing something from its belly. It is a gesture of offering. It is giving me something...

What emerges is a stone totum of a Sprit Animal. It is a gift, a blessing, a totum from the bear. In the dream, and now, I am moved.....

Now the bear is on our roof, walking from one side to the other. The whole house shakes with each of it's steps. It is BIG and Magnificant and on our roof! My feelings are forced beyond their normal confines. The Energy, the Power, the fear, the blessing, the Spirit, the tears (again, the tears.) . Truely, this is more excitement than I can BEAR. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

This is so like me.... FIRST, calm, cool, non schalant, uninvloved, no big deal, just a cloud, just some rain, just shut down. THEN, oh my God, what is going on, what's about to happen, the tension, puffed up, ungrounded, inflated, frozen energy, its a freakin' bear!. FINALLY, broken by the beauty, softened, moist, blessed, human, God loves me, Nature blesses me, I AM alive, I am holy.

But wait...

Someone, I'm not sure who - Carolyn, one of the kids - runs to the other side of the room to look up, out of the window on the othe side of the house (where the bear is headed). As they look up and out, they gasp.

This is where the dream ends. I don't ever see what they saw when they looked out from the other side, but I know (in the dream) what they saw. They saw another bear. If the first bear was really big, for a normal bear, it still seemed like a very big normal bear. This second bear could only have been a Spirit Bear. The gasp was because this second bear really did fill the whole sky. It was humongus!!!

It was as though the Universe was saying, "You think that Bear was big, look at this!" You think that gift was beautiful, get ready. There is MORE on the way. Just look out the OTHER side, you will see. You will know.

So what does this all mean...

My belief is that the Cloud/Spirit/Bear is my trip to the Far East. Whether it is the country(s) - China, Thailand, India - OR the people - known and unknown OR the Seva (the selfless service, the karma yoga, providing drug treatment with yoga and meditation) OR simply being willing to say yes to this invitation OR some combination of them all; I know there are great gifts being given, great blessings being received; greater than I can even imagine. This isn't the conscious reason for my going. It is nonetheless, clearly a significant reason for my going. This Bear/Spirt/Journey will "force my feelings beyond their normal confines." I feel so grateful.

Saying Goodbye

Well.., it is a process. People who believe in me, who value me, who love me. I go a little into shock; it's too much to take in fully, openly; hearing their words, appreciations, envy (some), anger (a little), excitement. "What an opportunity!" "Of course you're going." I feel sick at my stomach. My throat is tight. I can't talk. I can't think.

Do they know how scared I am? Do I know how scared I am? What a brave front I put on. How competent, how capable I appear. Living with some huge level of trust in the universe, completely willing to step into the unknown. Foolhardy? Naive? In my Spirit, I do feel protected, guided, cared for. In my body, my own excitement is beginning to bubble through the pressurized sense of getting ready. Another chapter in my life. Another grand adventure. Ahhh, Bliss and Joy can't be far behind... :>)

Leaving is still three weeks away. Am I making too big a deal about this? Four months will pass in a very short time. Still, I want to let in the love, the appreciation; I want to feel the connection..., and the loss. True, I will carry many with me, in my heart; as a felt sense in my body; as words that offer support. But there are no guarantees with goodbye. Some I may not see again. Family, friends, clients, students. Some may move on, some may pass on, There are no guarantees in goodbye. I want to feel the loss as much a I want to feel the connection, the open sharing, connection.

These thoughts and feelings come up after attending a last therapy group (before I leave) I co-lead. They apply to the group members, and Ellie, my co-leader (the real leader), but I also think of my parents who I wasn't able to visit before leaving; friends and family I don't have time for (It sounds cold, mean even, it's the truth; it makes me sad.); my own clients and students for whom I have such love and affection and good wishes; parts of myself I am leaving behind; my life I am leaving behind. Things will be different when I get back. I don't know how, but they will be different.... I will be different..... Breathe..... Breathe..... Breathe...

So many loose ends

I want to call them loose ends, but in reality, it is my life; Someone to watch the house, take care of the dogs, feed the birds, get the mail, evacuate the hard drive in case of forest fire, some way to pay the bills (Carolyn and I have taken unpaid volunteer positions.). This is just the home front.

There is also InnerWorks. Fortunately we have strong partners there; Didar and Sat Nam, Andrea to manage Pilates, solid instructors and yoga teachers, loyal clients and students. Still, there is the teaching schedule, the marketing flyers, the new software, new teachers, dear Anu (the Ayurvedic Physician), our city and college partners; so much to coordinate; so much to trust in the hands of the Divine.

That is what it comes down to isn't it, trusting the Divine. It certainly makes no sense in any practical or logical way that I was taught to think about things.

I felt called to go, moved to tears by the simple question, "Can you go to Amritsar to help set up and provide services in a drug treatment program? It will return to India the sacred teachings that were brought from India to the West by Yogi Bhajan. Can you take 3 months to be the clinical director, to help build a program around kundalini Yoga, Meditation, Diet, massage, hydrotherapy, herbs and Humanology? Will you help us begin to meet the horrific substance abuse problem in India?"

With tears in my eyes, the voice in my head said this is the call you have been waiting for. Makes no sense, but I couldnt say "No".

So now, I'm in the midst of working out the details. (I have such an ego, still thinking that I am working out the details.) Andrea was ready to take over the management of Pilates. Brandi dropped out of the heavens to look after house and dogs, Alicia (another Godsend) has been helping us manage the money, a phone call out of the blue (ethers :)) tells Carolyn that she has inherited some money (tickets paid for). One by one, Divine Spirit began to arrange our affairs in a way that allows us to go.

"Makes no sense." "Can't say No." ...begins to sound like some old blues song.